Ch. 4 - Solo
I'd built up my friend group some since moving from Colorado, but my friends were mostly straight. I'd taken more adventurous friends to the Cowardly Lion, especially for drag shows, but they rarely understood how different the environment was from what they were used to. I could collect phone numbers, but I'd be leaving with my friends, not with a hookup.
If I wanted spicier entertainment, I showed up alone. I hadn't visited the club since before Christmas, but with the end of my non-relationship with Rachel, I wanted someone to fill the gap for a night. I may have been thirty, and closer to size ten than the size eight my two piece dress was designed to fit, but I still looked damn good in it. I booked myself an Uber, wrapped myself in scarf and coat, and waited outside for my ride.
Her name was Kes. I was sitting at the bar, leaning back against it to watch the show, when she slipped into the seat beside mine, and ordered a drink for herself and me without asking. I raised an eyebrow as I turned to look at her, finding her smirking at me. Her hair, a mix of metallic blue and black, was swept to the left, undercut on the right, her eyes dark in a round, slightly freckled face. I estimated her age at twenty-two or twenty-three. She had to be at least twenty-one to have made it through the door.
She wore a tank top and khakis, her arms heavily tattooed, of course. I drained my glass, then traded it for the one she bought me, saluting her with it before taking a sip. She turned to watch the show with me, and we traded comments about the relative hotness of the queens. And the kings. Her voice was gentler than her appearance made me expect.
When we danced after the show, my body didn't sing with desire the way it had done with Rachel, but I felt a solid core of lust for her. And I really needed to wean myself from thoughts of Rachel. Kes was so very unlike her, which would help. She was a little shorter than me in my heels, but close enough that we could make out on the dance floor, her bra pressing into mine, teasing my nipples.
"If you come home with me, I'm going to find out how tight your cute butt is," she whispered into my ear. "Are you okay with that?"
Usually I preferred to take girls back to my cottage, but I didn't think Kes would want that, especially if she planned on using toys, so I nodded. "Very okay," I replied.
Kes's apartment was small but on the riverside, in an attractive setting. I wouldn't trade it for the cottage, but it wasn't bad for a small apartment. I wondered briefly how Rachel's apartment compared to the cottage, then chided myself for letting my mind wander again.
She asked if I wanted anything to drink, but all I wanted was water after the cocktails at the club, so she filled two glasses with ice and water from the fridge, then pushed open the door to the bedroom, set both glasses down and pressed her face to mine. She was aggressive, and less sensual than - goddamnit, focus - but less sensual was what I wanted, and when she started to unzip my top, I shivered with need. I had to step back for her to take it off, but immediately moved in to lift her shirt. She raised her hands willingly, and stood before me in a full coverage tan bra.
Stepping out of my shoes, I moved closer, wrapping my fingers around the buckle of her wide belt as I figured out how to open it.
"You're eager," Kes said. "That's hot."
She was right. I was eager. I needed to fuck my way out of letting my feelings lead me astray, by not having any. I needed to fuck someone who only wanted my body, and would leave my mind and soul intact. I needed someone I didn't have to trust. I needed to get laid. And I needed it now.
Kes grasped my shoulders and pulled me in for another kiss, which made my task of undressing her much harder. Still, I was soon parting her belt and unfastening her khakis, revealing black boyshorts.
Since she was distracted by taking off her boots before stepping out of her pants, I took the opportunity to unzip my own skirt, letting it drop to the floor.
"Fuck," Kes said. "I like."
She was still slightly shorter than me, out of her boots, as our bodies drew together. I initiated the kiss, this time, matching her aggression. She groaned, then pushed a hand between us, moving my hips back slightly as she firmly stroked the front of my lacy panties. I felt my heart pounding as my breathing sped up.
"You're so wet," she murmured, breaking the kiss. "Mandy's randy."
"I am," I agreed.
Without another word, Kes lifted me - damn, she was strong - and dropped me onto the queen bed. Immediately, she moved to the foot of the bed, then leaned forward, grasping my legs to pull me into position, tugging off my panties, then lifting my thighs over her shoulders.
Her tongue roamed my sex, thumbs parting my lips, not interfering with her ability to lick along them. I felt them tingle as they became puffy with her attention, my clit becoming firm, though she ignored it for now. Extending her tongue, she pushed it deep into me, maybe further than I'd ever been tongue fucked before, turning her head to lick from different directions.
"You taste fucking great," she said, in her surprisingly sweet voice. Then she leaned forward and repeated the whole process, my lips now swollen, not needing her touch to keep them parted.
My arousal was intense, now. My nipples were pressing hard into my bra. I wished she'd taken it off, but I wouldn't deny her the pleasure of removing it when she was ready.
Then her tongue left my vagina and crept higher. She circled my clit, making me cry out.
"Oh, it seems you're ready for more," she said.
I agreed, tossing in a few curse words for good measure. Kes began to lap at my clit, then slide her fingers into the place her tongue had just been. My hips rocked of their own accord.
With her free hand, she reached up to my bra, then pinched my nipple between the fabric. Hard. I cried out as the pain sent a new wave of arousal down to my sex.
And then I wasn't able to hold back. My belly tensed, and suddenly my climax was right there before me, inescapable. Kes moved back to watch me, but that couldn't stop the unstoppable. My hips jerked as the first pulse thrummed through my body. Then her tongue was back on my clit, drawing out the waves of my orgasm.
Now she decided it was time to uncover my breasts. She tugged the strap down my arm, peeling back the lacy cup, grinning as she saw how erect my nipples were.
"Looks like your tits are pleased to see me," she said. "This one, at least. I'll check on the other soon enough."
She flicked my nipple with her thumb, a couple of times, watching the effects on my breast, then leaned down to take it into her mouth. I groaned at the sudden renewal of my arousal.
"Take it off, please," I whispered.
She nodded without releasing my breast, which rippled under her mouth. Then her hands snaked around my back, lifting me, finding the catch and unclipping it. I couldn't reach around her to pull the bra down my arm, but I shrugged the strap over my shoulder, then reached up to uncover my breast.
Kes took note, backing away to allow her to pull the bra down my arms and toss it aside. As she lowered herself toward my untasted breast, I said, "Yours, too?"
"Oh, you are demanding," she said. "Demandy Mandy."
Reaching behind her, she unsnapped her own bra, drawing it off and tossing it aside, her pale breasts quivering free. Resuming her interrupted task, she took my other nipple between her lips. I reached to toy with hers, as much as I could.
I was panting when Kes drew back from my nipple.
"Kiss me," I said. "I want to feel your body against mine before... whatever you're planning next."
She grinned, then slipped all the way up my body to press her mouth to mine. She was solid. Close to my size, but with hard muscle rather than my soft skin and rounded curves. Her moderate breasts, not much smaller than mine, but much more firm, pressed into mine. I wrapped my legs around her and ground against her, until we were both breathing heavily.
Kes slid her body against mine, pressing her fuzzy sex to mine. I began to moan as I felt myself heading toward another climax, but she pulled back before I reached it. Pushing my legs back to the bed, she rolled me over, then ran her finger between my butt cheeks.
"Do you want this?" she asked. "'Cause I sure as fuck do."
"Yeah, yeah, I do," I said. I mostly avoided anal, and it had been a long time for me. It could be more painful than fun, but I'd agreed at the club, and I figured she knew what she was doing.
Kes headed to her closet, returning with a harness and dildo, tossing them on the bed before taking lube and condoms from her nightstand. Then she straddled my thighs and lubed a finger before running it down my butt down to the tight hole.
Her touch turned me on, but also felt uncomfortable. Maybe it's purely psychological, but I'm uneasy about anyone touching my butthole, at least until I'm far enough along that everything feels good. Somehow when Kes's finger pushed slowly inside, it overcame the discomfort quickly, leaving only the pleasurable sting of penetration.
She relubed her finger, pushing it deeper. I was so wet that I must have been dripping onto her bed. I turned my head to the side and groaned softly.
When she'd spread plenty of lube both inside and out, she moved off the bed and dropped her boyshorts to the floor. I'd turned my face to her and was grinning at the show.
"Like what you see?" Kes asked.
"Mm-hmm," I replied, as she stepped into the harness before attaching the dildo and wrapping it in a condom.
Kneeling behind me, she slathered lube onto the condom, and more onto me. Then she took my hips, raising them as she eased her knees beneath my thighs.
I groaned in real pain when the dildo started to push inside. Kes paused, clearly concerned.
"I'm okay," I managed to grunt. "It's... been a while. Just take it slowly. I'll be fine."
"Yeah," she said, pushing a little deeper before withdrawing to add lube. When she did, I lifted myself onto my elbows for comfort.
"Nice view," Kes commented, as she slowly pressed into me, her knees sliding forward between my thighs. I turned my head to smirk at her. As gradually as she entered me, it still wasn't long before her hips met my butt. "How's this?" she asked.
There's a strange fullness to a dildo inside, even more than one in my vagina. Everything feels a little out of place, but the stimulation reaches deep inside, and even the stretching, once the pain has lessened, is exciting. "It's good," I said, my voice breathy.
She moved experimentally. "Lube okay?"
I gasped at the shift of her body against mine. "Yeah."
With that, she started to move. She was panting too, whether from excitement at my arousal or her own movements. I felt no discomfort at all now, the stinging from stretching merely contributing to the full-body arousal that was starting to consume me. I began to moan with each stroke of the silicone cock.
The sounds I was making spurred Kes on to greater effort. She gripped my hips, lifting me and slamming into me. I couldn't resist the thrill she was driving into me. "I'm gonna come," I croaked.
"Let it out," Kes said. I felt her lean forward as she thrust, then one hand snaked around me to cup my right breast. She squeezed hard, making me squirm. A second squeeze pitched me over the edge. I came so hard I saw stars, or something. I don't really recall, except that when I next knew what was happening, my chest and face were against the bed, my arms too weak and jittery to hold me up.
"Fuck," I said, my voice muffled by the thin comforter. I felt Kes repositioning me, but wasn't mentally capable of processing before her body pressed to my back as she lowered herself onto me. Her hands caressed my ribs, then dug underneath my breasts as she squeezed while resuming her movements.
Kes's muscular body was heavy on mine, pressing me onto the comforter. Each thrust pushed my sex into the cloth, while she continued to knead my breasts. I felt like I was being pushed into sensual overload, and another orgasm was building fast.
Then she began to kiss my neck, then draw her teeth down to the base. I began to pant rapidly, turning my face to the side to get enough air. Her teeth trailed along my shoulder.
I pictured Rachel's teeth against me. I almost asked Kes to bite me. It would have thrust me over the edge. Somehow I couldn't. It felt wrong. That was private. It belonged to Rachel, even though I didn't want to think about her right now, so I held the secret close.
Even so, I soon found Kes's movements and my fullness conspiring to make me come again.
While I was still throbbing in orgasm, Kes moved my arms to angle out from my body, so that she could grip them to prop herself up a few inches. She thrust harder still, her hips smacking loudly against my butt, her breasts slapping against my back. Her cries became increasingly shrill.
After one hard shove into me, her movements stilled. Then, "Oh, fuck!" she yelled. I felt her shake, the dildo twitching inside me, then she collapsed against me, her lips finding my neck, kissing it reflexively as she came down.
Fortunately, there was a whole weekend before I had to return to the office, because for the next two days I was avoiding sitting for long periods. I made myself useful, clearing the house or picking up groceries.
It had been too long, I was too unused to rear penetration, and it had been stupid to imagine Kes could have made me sufficiently flexible in one night.
I had to decline an invitation to watch movies with Lauren.
Still, through the ongoing reminders of my night with Kes, I still felt a warm glow from the intense pleasure. There should be a casual dating rating site. Kes: ten out of ten. Would recommend.
Even so, part of me was unsatisfied. Sex was transient, yet every detail of my nights with Rachel seemed etched so deeply into my psyche that they overshadowed even an ass-destroying night with Kes. Recalling Rachel's reaction to being thwacked with my ruler, or the time I'd had to beg until she made me come again and again, were so much hotter to me in hindsight.
More than that. There has been no connection. Kes was more exciting than the one-night stands I'd had before last fall. Before I'd enticed a high, sexy blonde to my fairy cottage and discovered magic. But she fell short of what I knew I could have had. I could have had a connection. I could have had chemistry, with a woman I'd rejected because I was scared of falling for her.
I was a fucking idiot.
Even that first time, when she was high on molly, we'd bantered. Yes, it was her amazing body, along with her energy, that had attracted me, but I had liked being with her that night. I had liked her.
Maybe that was part of the reason I'd avoided her so studiously after our one (and, I then thought, only) night together. Maybe it wasn't just the guilt. And, maybe, if I hadn't liked her, maybe I wouldn't have felt guilty about using her.
Later, I'd poured my heart out to her, as if I trusted her. I had trusted her.
And then like a coward I'd run from Rachel to another one-night stand.
God almighty, I wanted her back. I wanted her in my bed. I wanted her in my life.
For fuck's sake, she'd offered me the most non-threatening path possible to make that happen, and like an idiot, I'd run. Again. She'd never given me any reason to believe she'd be like Charlotte, but I'd assumed that anyone who would want to be with me would eventually want to hurt me. So I'd sprinted away from the woman I was possibly starting to care for.
I wondered about calling Lauren to ask her to set up another lunch for Rachel and me, but decided against it. I did have an idea, though.
Midweek, I texted Lauren.
Me: "Hey, your bank social picnic is coming up soon, right?"
Lauren: "Yeah. Why?"
Me: "Does Mika have a wedding that day, or can I come as your plus one?"
Lauren: "There are no plus ones, just friends and family. Mika will be there, but you're welcome to join us. Does this have something to do with a blonde ex ass?"
Me: "A what?"
Lauren: "Executive assistant, shortened for your amusement."
Me: "You're *my* ex, and you're an ass, so be careful with that abbreviation. And possibly."
Lauren: "Want to *wine* about it?"
Me: "Not right now, but I'd like to be your friends and family."
I didn't want to talk about my jumbled feelings, and I still didn't want to sit for long spells, so I passed on that opportunity. Maybe soon.
Lauren: "Sure. I'll email you details."
The day of the picnic dawned bright and promised unseasonably warm weather. I drove there solo. I might want to leave earlier than my friends. And it was a family picnic. Though there would be alcohol, I wouldn't be drinking much, if at all.
My natural hair color was more brown than red, but I was enough of a redhead to burn easily, so I wore a long-sleeved tee shirt and jeans, and was in the process of applying heavy-duty sunblock when Lauren showed up at my car. I finished up, tossed the sunscreen in my bag, and followed my friend and her fiancée to the picnic area.
Most of Lauren's colleagues had never met Mika, so I tagged along for introductions. A few had heard of her, and at one point we had to abandon her to a group of art enthusiasts.
"She doesn't seem to be here," Lauren said.
"Who?" I asked.
"Don't be an ass," she said. "Rachel."
"Yeah," I agreed, trying to hide my disappointment. "Hey, is her boss here?"
Lauren looked around. "Over there," she said, nodding toward a woman in a simple pale green cotton dress standing with a tall guy who had salon-perfect short black hair, a polo shirt, long shorts that looked freshly pressed, and casual brown leather low boots. Yes, I could believe he was a pilot.
The woman had hair in red very similar to my current color, probably slightly trimmer than me, but nothing like Rachel's lean frame. She looked relaxed, leaning toward her husband, but I could imagine a stern, hard face on demand. Yes, she looked a little like me.
"Do you want to meet her?"
I shook my head. "No, Rachel has mentioned her. I hear she can be demanding."
"It's true," Lauren said. "But she works hard. Customer-facing jobs can be stressful."
"Tell me about it," I said. I sensed someone approaching, and looked up to find that Mika had escaped her group. She collected a glass of white wine and we moved on to another group.
There were salads and finger sandwiches. We took a break to eat some. As I was finishing up, I glanced over at Rachel's boss again and saw a familiar blonde head beside her. I turned to Lauren. "I'll catch up with you later, okay?"
Of course she immediately looked for herself, then grinned at me. "Okay. Good luck."
Mika just smiled and nodded.
I leaned against a table within sight of Rachel's group. I didn't want to intrude, but I figured she'd see me soon enough.
She did, giving me a look of surprise, then turned to say something to her boss before heading over to my table. She was in a sky blue satiny summer dress, showing a little cleavage, of course. She seemed unsure as she turned to lean against the table, facing the same direction as me.
"I wasn't expecting to see you," she said.
"I wasn't sure you'd be here after I said no," I said.
"You didn't say no," Rachel said. "You said, 'I can't.'" She sounded regretful.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," I said. "Are you here with anyone?"
She shook her head. "No. You're with Lauren?"
"And Mika," I said. "No photoshoot today. She seems to have finally worked through her backlog."
"That's good," Rachel said.
"Lauren said you're not out at work," I said.
Rachel's face turned toward me, an eyebrow raised. "I'm not," she said. "Though I'm not exactly not out. I don't talk about my sexuality."
"That's fair," I said. "No reason you need to. It's just that it seems an accepting environment. I know Lauren's out."
"It is," she agreed, then sighed. "I outed myself at my last job. There were a group of older women who were always prying into the sex lives of the younger ones. They wanted to stay abreast of who was dating, how long their relationships lasted, whether he was a monster in bed. They didn't quite get to asking about dick sizes, at least, not that I heard."
She frowned for a beat. "I guess one day I had too big a smile on my face," she said. "One of the snoops said I must have gotten laid, and was I dating now, and like a sex-addled idiot, I said, 'No, I won't see her again.' It was like a field of silence radiated out from her. Word got around, and it seemed like I was the favorite topic of conversation from then on. So I didn't want to mention anything at the bank."
"That sucks," I said.
"Mmm, it does," Rachel agreed, "but it's not like your parents, or Lauren's. My parents are fine. I wasn't discriminated against, I was just the object of morbid fascination. There's no one like the snoops at the bank, but no one needs to know, so why should I tell them? If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't hide her. They'll figure it out if that happens."
"Your boss wouldn't be a problem? You're right, she looks very straight."
Rachel laughed. "I don't think you can tell from a distance, but you're not wrong. And yeah, she can be a hardass. But Vanessa has no problem with Lauren."
I nodded understanding. The silence between us stretched. Finally, I spoke. "Have you had anything to drink? Would you like me to get you anything?"
"I haven't," Rachel replied. "I just arrived. I'll come with."
I nodded, and we sought out the refreshment table. There were a couple of open bottles of wine, with more unopened in a cooler. I poured myself a rosé in a plastic glass, adding a couple of cubes of ice. She followed suit, and we wandered back to our table, leaning against it again, Rachel on my left, the silence feeling a little less uncomfortable.
"If you had..." I began, feeling surprisingly nervous. My heart felt like it was racing. "If there was someone you knew, well, intimately, someone you had mind-melting sex with, could you ever get past that part of your relationship? I mean, could you overcome thoughts of getting them naked long enough to find out if you're compatible in other ways?"
Rachel was halfway through her wine before she answered. She didn't look at me, but there was a smile on her face, too soft to call a smirk, when she did. "Is that why you said you can't?"
I shook my head. "No. That was because... well, you know why that was. Charlotte. My entire dating history. I don't want to be hurt again. But, yeah, it's a factor."
"Mind-melting," she mused. I stayed silent.
"Yes," she said, at last. "I think I could. I think it would take more soul-searching than getting to know her first, and only then discovering that she's amazing in bed."
"So, you'd, what? Maybe invite her to a very casual social event where you could get to know her in the least intimate setting that you can share?"
"Yeaaah..." Rachel replied, drawing the word out, "but that was mostly because I know you don't want to be hurt, and it's too soon for you to trust me."
I let out a laugh. Obviously I was talking about us, but I had expected her to hedge until we'd fully explored the issue. I didn't know how much I'd hurt Rachel by running.
"You remember that beer at the wedding? The craft beer we were going to try to find?" I said.
"Yeah, I recall."
"Next Friday. Let's go to the Englishman and see if they've heard of it."
"On a date?" Rachel asked.
"Kinda," I said. "I mean, yeah, but in the least intimate setting we can share. Other than this," I added, waving an arm around to indicate the gathering.
"Sure," she said. "But while we're here, we have a great opportunity. Would you like to shock my coworkers?"
"Uh, I guess?" I replied, puzzled.
Rachel reached out, taking my left hand in hers, then depositing it into her right, curling her fingers around mine. "Good. Let's go find our friends."