We (Clarice, Rob, Brian and I) went to a Country and Western restaurant/bar. I'm no cowgirl, I don't much like country music, but I can do the two step, and Brian is improving. The band was pretty good, too, their brand of C&W was closer to rock than most country.

Good steaks, too.

The cold front hasn't come through yet, though the wind has been high and erratic today, which is a pretty good sign that it will be here soon.


I was thinking this morning about how pleasant a chore it would be today to write my journal entry. The cold front blew in last night. We've been sleeping with the windows open for about a week, in the warm evenings. As the wind turned cool, rather than close the windows, we snuggled together for warmth. I was going to write about making love on the edge of the thunderstorm, gray patterns in the room, cool breeze on my back and his warmth against my stomach...

I felt wonderful this morning. The house was cool, and our bedroom was full of the fresh scent of the first rain in weeks, the first real rain in months.

And then I thought, why not call Mom, see how she's doing after last weekend, maybe try to mend fences.

"Big Mistake."

She laid into me as soon as I'd said hi. About all kinds of things, that I was a whore to my work, that my timekeeping skills were pitiful, that I was rude and ungrateful. Most of all that I had a lover - making a point both to stress the word and make it sound dirty - who was barely out of high school, immature, rude, uncaring and totally unsuitable for her family.

It doesn't help if I tell myself that none of these things are true. I haven't heard my mother so spiteful since Dad finally left home. When I managed to get away from the phone I was shaking, and as soon as I had hung up, I burst into tears.

Brian held me for a long time, not even knowing what had happened, just getting me tissues, stroking my hair, and kissing my forehead.

Finally I calmed down enough to tell him what she had said. He just listened, and held me. He didn't try to offer any advice, or tell me "everything would be fine".

"It's because I argued with her, isn't it?" he asked, when I was through.

"I'm glad you did," I said. "I'd have let it slide, and then felt worse."

"What do you want to do?"

"Me?" I asked. "What can I do? I don't know."

"Whatever you do, I'll be here for you."

"I know," I said, and kissed him.

What a disappointment after this morning's lovely start. I've been depressed since then, cried a couple of times, become furious at others, and feel right now that anything I could do to deal with her attitude is pointless.

And the norther wasn't finished with us, either. Now it's cold and rainy here, and shows every sign of getting colder.


This week seems more depressing than last. It rained all day yesterday, a cold rain. Today was just cold, though it was milder this evening... but I didn't hear my mockingbird this morning. And I'm still upset about my mother's call on Sunday.

There are more bugs in the software than we'd like to see... it isn't jepoardizing our schedule yet, but it's getting very close. And my former group is still working like crazy - Kelly has been out of the office sick for two days, and they're stretched.

'Course, when I say cold, that's only relative, it isn't really going to get cold here for a month or two. But it isn't cold enough to break out the winter clothes, and it isn't warm enough for summer, just that awkward time when the temperature won't progress down steadily, but drops one day, is thirty degrees warmer the next, etc. Annoying.

And it is too cold for the hot tub.